The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
You Might Also Like
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
omg leave her alone
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.