I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
same energy
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh