Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.