Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Nice try Hitler
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.