I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good