Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
look at me when i’m typing to you
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
man i love columbo
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.