Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.