me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
That’s not how days work.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Found my door mat
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Europe. Made in Germany.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I cannot call her anything else now