Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine