If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I finally found a reason to live again.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.