My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.