looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*