In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.