There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
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Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?