Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Overindulged this afternoon.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!