Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam