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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan