me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.