“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
You Might Also Like
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.