when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.