In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
i was baptized in a car wash
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.