To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.