[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.