I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.