T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan