[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
monday
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.