Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.