Fat chances are my favorite chances
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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”