Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Worst bar ever.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.