If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.