I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You Might Also Like
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”