Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.