*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
You Might Also Like
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.