Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Not even remotely sorry.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?