4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
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My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.