I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
That de-escalated quickly
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.