Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I only treason on days ending in y
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation