Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors