[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Time heals everything 🙂
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.