[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You Might Also Like
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.