new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*