“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
😅🤣😂
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.