For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
shampoo implies shampee
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.