The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
sigh
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock