Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today