Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?