Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
🤣
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u