I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You Might Also Like
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts