“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me