Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I like long walks away from everyone
I am never leaving this website
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.